For a project I worked on recently I wrote a blog post to a fictional Tyson and Jenny about the boundaries of marital intimacy as well as the decision on when and the timing of children. As I wrote this advice I imagined that I was speaking to my younger self when my wife and I were first married. Eight years later this is the advice I would have given my younger self. I would like to believe that I would give this same advice to my children -- Although I may adjust it as life's hard knocks gives me additional wisdom. I do write from the perspective of an LDS member and some of you may not share my beliefs but I hope that those of you who read it are able to gain something out of it whether you are LDS or not so enjoy :)
Jenny and Tyson I know you have questions about marital intimacy and birth control and I would like to share with you a few things on what the scriptures and modern day prophets can teach us on these subjects.
First let us discuss marital intimacy. If we look at The Family: A Proclamation to the World, we can see that the “sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife”. As you know, you have made sacred covenants in God's holy temples to keep the law of chastity. Even though you are married, your physical intimacy can only be expressed between each other and no one else. This also means that neither of you, Jenny or Tyson, will seek to stimulate yourselves through masturbation. This is a form of fornication and the scriptures have taught us that “he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body” (1 Cor. 6:18). This would be a horrible misuse of your sacred powers of procreation that is only intended to be used with each other.
Some would argue that physical intimacy is distasteful and a necessary evil to bring children into the world. However, we can continue to learn from this prophetic document in that “the means by which mortal life is created is divinely appointed” (The Family, A Proclamation to the World). This gift of physical intimacy comes from God and there is no evil in its use when kept within the proper bounds that God has set. In fact God wants you to use it. The very expression of our physical union is a symbol of our eternal purpose as future Gods and Goddesses and is a “most beautiful and gratifying expression” (Elder Holland, “Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments”).
However, you are wondering if there is a limit as to what can or can't be done in the way we are physically intimate and I assure you that there is. As President Kimball has stated, “if it is unnatural, you just don't do it... [some] have said that behind the bedroom doors anything goes. That is not true and the Lord would not condone it” (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 312). If what you are participating in feels unnatural or unclean to either one of you, you should not participate in it. As you seek to know what those things may be, the words of Elder Bednar may help when he stated, “The more we stray from the simple in our expression of affection, the closer we approach the perverted” (President and Sister Bednar, “Moral Purity”, BYU-Idaho Devotional, January 7, 2003). Elder Bednar also counseled us that if we listen to the whisperings of the Holy Ghost it will help guide us to what is right and simple in our expression of love (President and Sister Bednar).
At times one of you may want to participate in certain actions or more frequently in physical intimacy than the other. This requires a sensitivity and consideration to each other's needs (President Howard W. Hunter, Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 68) as you both will have to come to an agreement on how often and what types of expressions of your love you will participate in, keeping in mind what we have already discussed. No one should feel dominated, nor should indecent or uncontrolled behavior exist in your intimate relationship as “this is condemned by the Lord” (President Howard W. Hunter). In all things, keep the needs of your spouse as a priority. Your physical intimacy is not intended to be “an appetite to be satisfied, or a type of recreation or entertainment to be pursued selfishly” (Elder Bednar, We Believe in being Chaste).
I would also counsel you to avoid pornography at all costs. I have read of couples who seek to use pornography as a way of spicing up their marital relationship. However, there is no good thing to pornography as it will impair your relationship with each other and erode your moral barrier against bad behavior in your relationship (Oaks, Pornography, General Conference, 2005). Avoid this evil or it will destroy your marriage. If you encounter it, go ye out from among the wicked (D&C 38:42) and do as Joseph did who when the wife of Potiphar caught him by his garment he “fled, and got him out” (Genesis 39:12).
I promise you that marital intimacy is a wonderful thing. As we conclude talking about this wonderful subject let me share a few things that stood out to me from discussions I had with my wife and I want you to know I did get her approval before hand to share these things. When we turn people into objects to gratify our desires rather than something that both parties mutually enjoy it is selfish and does not bring a good spirit. For my wife, dressing up in lingerie made her feel like an object as she felt it turned her into pornography--something to be lusted after which in turn drove away the spirit. Remember there is not just yourself in this relationship, there are two of you and neither partner should force the other. When we are mutually respectful of each other physical intimacy can be one of the most glorious and special experiences you can share together.
Let us now talk about your questions on children. Quoting from The Proclamation, our modern day apostles have stated that “We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). As you know Adam and Eve from the very beginning were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth and that commandment continues to this very day for each of us who are married. However, the church has stated that your decisions on how many children to have and when to have them should be between just you two and the Lord (Handbook 2: Administering the Church, Section 21.4.4 Birth Control). As you have mentioned, many people have opinions on these things, but ultimately it is up to you and the Lord to decide on what is right for both of you.
However, in this same section the Church's handbook states that both of you should ponder on what you will do to fulfill this commandment from God as well as the joy of having children and the eternal blessings that come from them. If you gain this testimony, you are then prepared to receive guidance from God on when and how many children to have ( Handbook 2: Administering the Church, Section 21.4.4 Birth Control).
As you consider what you will do to keep God's commandments, let me talk to you about faith. Elder Anderson shared a story about a conversation Elder Spencer W. Kimball had with Elder Mason. At the time Elder Mason was planning on becoming a doctor and felt that he could not keep God's commandments to have children at that point in his life. I love the words of Elder Kimball to him when he stated, “Brother Mason, would the Lord want you to break one of his important commandments in order for you to become a doctor? With the help of the Lord, you can have your family and still become a doctor. Where is your faith?” (Elder Neal L. Anderson, "Children" I know from my own personal experience of the need for faith while raising three of my five daughters while I obtained my bachelor's degree. I know how concerning it may be to wonder how you and your wife could possibly do it, yet you must ask yourselves, “Where is our faith?” If finances are a concern we should remember the words of President Monson who stated that “there is no shame in a couple having to scrimp and save... you will grow closer together as you learn to sacrifice and to make difficult decisions” (Elder Anderson quoting President Monson, Children). Truly as my wife and I learned to prioritize even if that meant some goals went a little bit slower or we had to put them off altogether it drew us closer. My wife put off additional schooling and employment in order to be home to raise our beautiful children and although they have been difficult decisions it has been the most wonderful experience for us. This was our life choices and the pathway God wanted us to take. Tyson and Jenny, you have your own pathway that God will guide you on as you listen to His spirit. Whatever your decisions are to be, make sure to make them in faith trusting in the Lord.
The only other council I would offer you comes from what I was impressed upon while discussing this with my wife. In talking about faith, my wife and I made the decision at the beginning of our marriage that we would ask the Lord when we should stop having children rather than when we should start. We continue to offer up the same prayer after each one of our children are born. When we ask the Lord to tell us when to stop we are making a conscientious decision to keep his commandments until he tells us otherwise. I recommend you try this as well. The other advice I would offer is to obtain that testimony of children. You need to want children for having children's sake and to obey God's commandment. You should not do it to solve marital strife, to appear more righteous to your neighbors, or to somehow feel like you are progressing in life. These reasons will destroy your ability to feel the spirit and to be an effective parent. Make the decision to have children for the right reasons. You can succeed as parents. God and His Holy Spirit will guide you and make your weaknesses into strengths (Ether 12:27). He will help you with each child and give you the strength to do all that is needed to nurture them and help them grow. I promise you that the joy exceeds all others even though the sorrow at times exceeds all others. So go forward in faith. Enjoy your physical intimacy together. Become one. When the time is right move forward with becoming co-creators with God by bringing his divine children into this world.
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