Just Cause for Divorce

My thoughts this day are on divorce. A close friend of my mind is going through a nasty marital situation which I'm fairly confident will end up in divorce. His wife for several years has been cheating on him and each time she supposedly had changed her ways and came back to him only for him to find out once again that she had never really changed. This time it is looking like they may have separated for good. This friend of mine is torn. At one moment he hates her and at the other he desperately wishes she would come back. Emotionally he still loves her and doesn't want to give up on her, yet, from her behavior over these last few years it seems so very indicative of the fact that she doesn't want to change at all.

The question to ask is at what point is Divorce justified? Reading my scriptures this morning Jesus Christ taught that divorce is ok if the wife/husband is caught in fornication. What other elements might be reason for divorce? Modern day apostles of the Lord Jesus Christ has taught that a "prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a human being" might be grounds for a divorce (President James E. Faust, Aug. 2004, "Fathers, Mothers, and Marriage")

However, I know of couples that divorce because they have fallen out of love, or they disagree on some aspect of parenting, or they just get tired of the relationship. These reasons I have a hard time understanding why you would divorce. At one point you were in love, why can't you be able to rekindle that love once again?

Some people will divorce because they think they will be happier once they are out of the relationship. However, Elder Oaks taught that for many couples it creates a long-term headache in their lives especially if there is children involved. He cited research of a long-term study that found that couples who divorced were not any happier after the divorce (Oaks, Divorce,Ensign, May 2007, p 70-73). If couples can stick it out, get therapy and are working on the relationship the majority of them can get back to the same level of happiness within five years (Oaks, Divorce).

For these couples Elder Oaks advice is to do the following:

“If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony “. (Oaks, Divorce).

However, the challenge for me is when only one partner wants to work on the relationship. In the case of my friend it seems that only one of them wants to make things work. Him and others in similar situations may be beating themselves up, but we have to remember that “We cannot control and we are not responsible for the choices of others, even when they impact us so painfully “ (Oaks, Divorce). If someone is refusing to seek help and refuses to fix the problems that are so very grievous I think that after some serious discussions with God it's ok if they move forward with divorce. It will still be a very hard thing to end their relationship but I think it's harder still being in that situation.

However, I don't think we can judge anyone on what they choose to do in their particular situation all we can do is try to help where we can. We should strive to be a friend and lift and support to the best way we feel inspired to do.  

What are your thoughts?  When is divorce justified?  What advice would you give to my friend?  Should he try to get back together with his wife?  (Please be sensitive in your comments or I will have to remove them).

Marital Intimacy and Family Planning advice

For a project I worked on recently I wrote a blog post to a fictional Tyson and Jenny about the boundaries of marital intimacy as well as the decision on when and the timing of children. As I wrote this advice I imagined that I was speaking to my younger self when my wife and I were first married.  Eight years later this is the advice I would have given my younger self.  I would like to believe that I would give this same advice to my children -- Although I may adjust it as life's hard knocks gives me additional wisdom.  I do write from the perspective of an LDS member and some of you may not share my beliefs but I hope that those of you who read it are able to gain something out of it whether you are LDS or not so enjoy :)

Jenny and Tyson I know you have questions about marital intimacy and birth control and I would like to share with you a few things on what the scriptures and modern day prophets can teach us on these subjects.

First let us discuss marital intimacy. If we look at The Family: A Proclamation to the World, we can see that the “sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife”. As you know, you have made sacred covenants in God's holy temples to keep the law of chastity.  Even though you are married, your physical intimacy can only be expressed between each other and no one else. This also means that neither of you, Jenny or Tyson, will seek to stimulate yourselves through masturbation. This is a form of fornication and the scriptures have taught us that “he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body” (1 Cor. 6:18). This would be a horrible misuse of your sacred powers of procreation that is only intended to be used with each other.

Some would argue that physical intimacy is distasteful and a necessary evil to bring children into the world. However, we can continue to learn from this prophetic document in that “the means by which mortal life is created is divinely appointed” (The Family, A Proclamation to the World). This gift of physical intimacy comes from God and there is no evil in its use when kept within the proper bounds that God has set. In fact God wants you to use it. The very expression of our physical union is a symbol of our eternal purpose as future Gods and Goddesses and is a “most beautiful and gratifying expression” (Elder Holland, “Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments”).

However, you are wondering if there is a limit as to what can or can't be done in the way we are physically intimate and I assure you that there is. As President Kimball has stated, “if it is unnatural, you just don't do it... [some] have said that behind the bedroom doors anything goes. That is not true and the Lord would not condone it” (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 312). If what you are participating in feels unnatural or unclean to either one of you, you should not participate in it. As you seek to know what those things may be, the words of Elder Bednar may help when he stated, “The more we stray from the simple in our expression of affection, the closer we approach the perverted” (President and Sister Bednar, “Moral Purity”, BYU-Idaho Devotional, January 7, 2003). Elder Bednar also counseled us that if we listen to the whisperings of the Holy Ghost it will help guide us to what is right and simple in our expression of love (President and Sister Bednar).

At times one of you may want to participate in certain actions or more frequently in physical intimacy than the other. This requires a sensitivity and consideration to each other's needs (President Howard W. Hunter, Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 68) as you both will have to come to an agreement on how often and what types of expressions of your love you will participate in, keeping in mind what we have already discussed. No one should feel dominated, nor should indecent or uncontrolled behavior exist in your intimate relationship as “this is condemned by the Lord” (President Howard W. Hunter). In all things, keep the needs of your spouse as a priority.  Your physical intimacy is not intended to be “an appetite to be satisfied, or a type of recreation or entertainment to be pursued selfishly” (Elder Bednar, We Believe in being Chaste).

I would also counsel you to avoid pornography at all costs. I have read of couples who seek to use pornography as a way of spicing up their marital relationship. However, there is no good thing to pornography as it will impair your relationship with each other and erode your moral barrier against bad behavior in your relationship (Oaks, Pornography, General Conference, 2005).  Avoid this evil or it will destroy your marriage.  If you encounter it, go ye out from among the wicked (D&C 38:42) and do as Joseph did who when the wife of Potiphar caught him by his garment he “fled, and got him out” (Genesis 39:12).

I promise you that marital intimacy is a wonderful thing. As we conclude talking about this wonderful subject let me share a few things that stood out to me from discussions I had with my wife and I want you to know I did get her approval before hand to share these things. When we turn people into objects to gratify our desires rather than something that both parties mutually enjoy it is selfish and does not bring a good spirit. For my wife, dressing up in lingerie made her feel like an object as she felt it turned her into pornography--something to be lusted after which in turn drove away the spirit. Remember there is not just yourself in this relationship, there are two of you and neither partner should force the other. When we are mutually respectful of each other physical intimacy can be one of the most glorious and special experiences you can share together.

Let us now talk about your questions on children. Quoting from The Proclamation, our modern day apostles have stated that “We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). As you know Adam and Eve from the very beginning were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth and that commandment continues to this very day for each of us who are married. However, the church has stated that your decisions on how many children to have and when to have them should be between just you two and the Lord (Handbook 2: Administering the Church, Section 21.4.4 Birth Control). As you have mentioned, many people have opinions on these things, but ultimately it is up to you and the Lord to decide on what is right for both of you.

However, in this same section the Church's handbook states that both of you should ponder on what you will do to fulfill this commandment from God as well as the joy of having children and the eternal blessings that come from them. If you gain this testimony, you are then prepared to receive guidance from God on when and how many children to have ( Handbook 2: Administering the Church, Section 21.4.4 Birth Control).

As you consider what you will do to keep God's commandments, let me talk to you about faith. Elder Anderson shared a story about a conversation Elder Spencer W. Kimball had with Elder Mason. At the time Elder Mason was planning on becoming a doctor and felt that he could not keep God's commandments to have children at that point in his life. I love the words of Elder Kimball to him when he stated, “Brother Mason, would the Lord want you to break one of his important commandments in order for you to become a doctor? With the help of the Lord, you can have your family and still become a doctor. Where is your faith?” (Elder Neal L. Anderson, "Children" I know from my own personal experience of the need for faith while raising three of my five daughters while I obtained my bachelor's degree. I know how concerning it may be to wonder how you and your wife could possibly do it, yet you must ask yourselves, “Where is our faith?” If finances are a concern we should remember the words of President Monson who stated that “there is no shame in a couple having to scrimp and save... you will grow closer together as you learn to sacrifice and to make difficult decisions” (Elder Anderson quoting President Monson, Children). Truly as my wife and I learned to prioritize even if that meant some goals went a little bit slower or we had to put them off altogether it drew us closer. My wife put off additional schooling and employment in order to be home to raise our beautiful children and although they have been difficult decisions it has been the most wonderful experience for us. This was our life choices and the pathway God wanted us to take. Tyson and Jenny, you have your own pathway that God will guide you on as you listen to His spirit.  Whatever your decisions are to be, make sure to make them in faith trusting in the Lord.

The only other council I would offer you comes from what I was impressed upon while discussing this with my wife. In talking about faith, my wife and I made the decision at the beginning of our marriage that we would ask the Lord when we should stop having children rather than when we should start. We continue to offer up the same prayer after each one of our children are born. When we ask the Lord to tell us when to stop we are making a conscientious decision to keep his commandments until he tells us otherwise. I recommend you try this as well. The other advice I would offer is to obtain that testimony of children. You need to want children for having children's sake and to obey God's commandment. You should not do it to solve marital strife, to appear more righteous to your neighbors, or to somehow feel like you are progressing in life. These reasons will destroy your ability to feel the spirit and to be an effective parent. Make the decision to have children for the right reasons. You can succeed as parents. God and His Holy Spirit will guide you and make your weaknesses into strengths (Ether 12:27). He will help you with each child and give you the strength to do all that is needed to nurture them and help them grow. I promise you that the joy exceeds all others even though the sorrow at times exceeds all others. So go forward in faith.  Enjoy your physical intimacy together.  Become one.  When the time is right move forward with becoming co-creators with God by bringing his divine children into this world.

Bridles and the Law of Chastity

I teach a children's class to 9-10 year old as a part of program in our church called the Primary.  This week I am teaching a lesson on bridling our tongues and how that can help us to become a more perfect man.  The lesson centers around the teachings of Bishop James in James 3:2-13.  I wish however to not talk about controlling our tongues in this lesson but controlling another aspect of our body and obeying the Law of Chastity.  This law is that you will have no sexual relationships with anyone outside of your husband or wife to whom you are married, both lawfully (God's law) and legally (Civil Law).

Most civil and religious marriages have some concept of this principle and commonly term it as being faithful to your spouse.  In my religion, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS, or Mormons as some call us), we are married for time and all eternity in special buildings we call temples.  As part of that marriage we make a covenant (an agreement between us and God) that we will keep this sacred principle.

This is near and dear to my heart at the moment as I have someone close to me who is considering divorce because his wife has repeatedly violated these promises she made when they were married.  I do not know what circumstances in their marriage led to her deciding to break this most basic and integral part of their marriage relationship.  I cannot judge actions by either partner of which I am unaware of, but what I wish to focus on is honoring our commitments to remain chaste in marriage and how this can save so much heart-break.

Let us follow the teachings of James and I will explain to you what I wish to teach my primary children but I will apply it to the matter of controlling our sexual appetite.  First the concept of self-control, why must we exercise self-control in anything at all?  Should we not be able to do what we want, when we want, and however way we want?  How does restricting what things we can or can't do help us to be happy at all?

Consider the picture of the horse and the bridle.  Wouldn't it be great if we didn't have to worry about the hassle of saddling and bridling the horse?  How nice it would be if we could just jump on the horse and go wherever we wanted without having to deal with the annoyance of getting the horse ready so we could ride it.  However, most riders would find that if they rode a horse in this manner it may initially start in the direction you wanted to go, but you would not end up at your chosen destination.  The horse is in control and will go wherever the horse wishes to go.  It may even chose to discard it's rider much to your detriment and pain.  By bridling the horse the rider can direct the horse in the direction he or she wishes to go.  The horse has a master and through restrictions the rider stays in control.

In the same way when we throw off all restrictions we find ourselves becoming restricted.  By choosing to eat whatever we want whenever we want, we find that while we may have initial freedoms the long term health consequences of our actions can be things such as diabetes, heart disease, and a variety of other problems.  If we want to live it high by consuming all kinds of drugs or drinking, addictions can form if an individual cannot limit or moderate their consumption.  For many individuals their genetics are such that even the tiniest amount can form a life-long addiction.  We may initially embark feeling that we can stop at any time, but in many cases our habits or addictions end up controlling us.

This same concept applies to our sexual appetites.  We can apply James 3:5 from the Bible (specifically the New Testament).

Even so [our sexual drive] is a little member, and boasteth great things.  Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!

Our desire for physical intimacy can be a little member, but oh the fire's it can kindle if we are not able to exhibit self-control.  Not only are there issues of STD's or out-of-wedlock pregnancies, but the very core trust in our married relationship can be destroyed if we make a promise of faithfulness and we do not live up to.

It may be that we seek to gratify our physical needs through just a "little" bit of things such as pornography or masturbation, but these things end up controlling us rather than us being in control. A person I know has just recently abandoned his wife and children because this little fire of pornography grew so out of control.  What started as just a small but grievous sin, grew into a raging fire that destroyed everything around him.  I hope that he will be able to rebuild his life and the live of his family but it will take time.

Something my wife and I have done to help ourselves stay on the same page is to have a checkup with each other once a week.  We typically do this on Sunday when the kids have gone to sleep.  We ask each other how we've been, how our thoughts have been, if we've seen anything or participated in any kind of temptation.  This has been so helpful to me as it's held me accountable.  The few times I have slipped and done things that I knew my wife would not be ok with I've been able to have an open and honest conversation with her.  Rather than her blowing up and getting angry she seeks to see how she can help me, we set goals, and we work together to overcome these issues.  I do the same thing for her (although I'll say she is much better at avoiding addicting or bad habits than I am).

We do need to bridle our passions but we don't have to do it alone.  We have God's help and we have the help of our family.  If you aren't married you could still have a trusted friend you can work with to help you in your hours of need.  I have friends who do this and it so helpful.  I highly recommend it.  Our Savior Jesus Christ is also always there to help.